Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
