so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
