walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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