last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
