Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
