I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
