i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
