My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize