come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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