I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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