I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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