genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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