He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You're a disaster
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