I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
