I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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