I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
