i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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