I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
