It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
