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you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
