I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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