the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize