Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
