Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
