I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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