This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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