my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
