Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
