OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
