My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize