I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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