His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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