If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
