i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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