I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
