The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
