i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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