I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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