$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Randomize
