you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
