i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
lets start a swedish sibling band together
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
