If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
