how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
