The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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