I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
