"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm like, not good at living.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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