Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
