So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
