Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
two words: eviction party
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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