I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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