you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
