Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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