No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
