if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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