FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
