i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
