i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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