omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
