I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
