why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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