Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
