So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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