I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize