can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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