in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize