TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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